There IS a difference between love and lust.. trust me, been there. done that. Typical, I know. Love is the feeling you get in your stomach as if you've just experience the best moment in your life over and over again just by looking at a person. Love is never knowing what's right or wrong. Love is the feeling your heart gets, you know the one; heavy tempo, fast pace, kind of feels like drinking hot chocolate on a cold winter morning. Now now, lust on the other hand, lust is when you fall face first into a pool. Lust is the feeling in your gut when something seems exciting and new.. but once trying, you realize it just wasn't meant for someone like you. Am I right? How accurate was I? Because, that- in my opinion- is how to define the distinction between love... and lust. Now, have I ever confused lust with love? Well who hasen't? My first boyfriend to be exact.. Abel Zarate. I had barely turned 13 I believe. Obviously at the time, I didn't know how to choose the "right" guy, but then again, unless you're Megan Fox or Angelina Jolie, no girl ever gets "the guy". Anyways... I was starting my first year in high school- a freshman. Abel was an 8th grader at the time; we had first met in middle school (obviously), I was an 8th grader, he was a 7th grader.. classy. We were best friends, I know I know, how much more cliche can we get? With all jokes aside, I ponder on the thought of our first night together. November 11th, 2011. The day he asked me out. It first began on Facebook, him flirting and leaving cute little notes and posts everywhere.. I liked it. Then, he began hinting towards us kissing and going out on dates.. yada yada yada. Let's skip forward to the part- ya know what? I'll shorten the story and break it down nice and easy. I was inlove (at least so I thought), we always planned on having our "first time" together with each other.. but never got to it, thank GOODNESS. He cheated on me, ironically on Facebook; the idiot gave me his password and login information without clearing out his messages first. Huh. Anyways, I broke up with him, a few days later, we got back together.. Silly me. We made a promise, he broke it. We broke up.. again. I cried for so long, I'm pretty sure the only thing I can remember is soaking my big teddy bear in tears, and hating everyone else for hating Abel so much. Even though I still stand to deny my feelings for this boy, I can't help but wonder.. Am I truly in love with Abel? Or has my lust just come so far out that it is simply nothing but a long term crush? I still get butterflies just from seeing his name anywhere.. seeing his name flash across my phone makes my heart beat so fast, makes my smile expand so much, you might as well see me as the joker on crack. I can't help but wonder time to time if we could ever repatch, recover, and work something out again.. Til next time; kiss kiss.Read more..
Okay okay, last post before I go on and on about a topic that I shouldn't go TOO in depth with. Well, where do I begin? Freshmen year? The summer after? before? How about I start where everything began going downhill.. That's a good start- cloudy, but its a start. Alright, freshmen year. Horny senior guys looking for a walking piece of meat to bone. Slutty freshmen girls wearing way too much makeup and not enough clothes. And there I am, dressed like a boy because of Dunbar's stupid "only shirts with collars" dresscode, and my lack of fashion sense at the time. With my two older sisters going to school with me, I thought everything would be fine.. but ofcourse, they had their own lives, their own friends, and I had an awful haircut and an uncomfortable sense of location. But I'm a Vakapuna, and everyone loves us.. right? Well, long story short; the girl I thought was my best friend was actually a self-absorbed bitch with problems that started unnecessary rumours, we had a fight (literally), and now I couldn't tell you if she was still alive.. But inbetween all that ugly girl drama, I had my first boyfriend (We'll go more in depth in a different post), I had gotten high for my first time.. and in fact, I had done alot of drugs. Not only had I began ALREADY losing friends, but I had began losing myself.. and well, a clear state of mind. With all this smoke in my lungs, and idocracy of people I called my "friends", I had nothing to think but that I was living it up- having the time of my life. How could this possibly back fire? hahahaha, yeah. Anyways, thats besides the point.. I got caught up in the moment, in the year. My grades were at their lowest, and so was my attendance. Not only had I been experimenting with drugs, but also with my friends. Being dragged into peer pressure was something I thought I would ever let myself do, but yet I had and did. Skipping all day, sneaking out at night- my life was a cliche teenage banger movie. The girl that was once smart, began hanging with the wrong people, fucked up her high school years, and never amounted to anything. Yeap, sounds about right. I managed to barely survive Freshman year, with the exception of certain factors, and now that I've ended my Sophomore year, I've repeated history.. And now I must worry about whether or not I'm an official Junior in high school, or yet another repeat student.. This is my life, and it sucks. Til next time; kiss kiss.Read more..
Firsts are always awkward. Your first hug. Your first friend. Your first crush. Your first relationship. Your first kiss.. your first time. Well, at least for me they were.. then again, everything is awkward for me. I'm naturally awkward. I'm naturally uncomfortable with the thought of not being prepared for a first time.. like now. I always have these thoughts that maybe if I had actually put my mind to it like I had when I was younger, maybe.. just maybe.. I would've amounted to the type of writer I wanted to be. But, well, here I am. I'm 15, the black sheep of my family. When I was little, I was the smartest in my class.. actually so smart, I skipped the third grade, and from then-on-out, I was labeled and seen as "the smart girl". Faaaantastic. In fact, in middle school my grades were also so exemplary, I could've skipped the piece of shit year also known as your freshmen year of high school. I wish I did. Before I knew it, high school was gonna change me forever. But that's another story.. Til next time; kiss kiss.Read more..